At the age of 34 years old, I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Insufficiency and told that I would need to use Donor Eggs through IVF in order to conceive. While I had friends who did IVF, I didn’t know anyone who had used donor eggs. I had no idea where to start. I did a lot of research and learned so much along the way. Egg Donor 101 shares some of the greatest lessons my husband and I learned during our journey.
You may not find your “twin”
At first, my biggest must-have was finding someone who looked like me. Since I couldn’t use my own eggs, I thought looks were the most important thing. I quickly learned that you have to look at the entire person. Looks are only part of the puzzle. Age, family and health history are all extremely important.
It’s kind of like online dating
We used an in-house database at our clinic to find our donor. Each donor has a profile with pictures, genetic information, health and family history along with essays. At first, I was a little disappointed when I found that there were not many donors to select from. I did notice new donors would be added sporadically, but also found they would be selected very quickly. Something I learned is that you need to monitor the database often and when you found a good match, choose quickly.
There is no guarantee of a baby
We naively thought that we would find a donor, get embryos and have a baby. For some couples the process does work the first time. Unfortunately, for us, it took multiple donors and multiple transfers to have success.
The journey was long and emotionally challenging, filled with moments of hope followed by disappointment. The path to parenthood through assisted reproduction can be unpredictable and requires immense patience, resilience, and faith. Despite the difficulties, we never gave up on our dream, and ultimately, the perseverance paid off.
Insurance may not cover it
Some insurance plans cover IVF. However, in many cases, those plans exclude any type of coverage once a donor is involved. Many clinics have financial counselors that will walk you through what is covered and what is not. Our insurance changed during our journey and we went from having full coverage even with the use of donor eggs, to no coverage at all.
Genetics are important, but not everything
While DNA is our foundation, there is something to be said about epigenetics and carrying a child for 9 months. I was very worried about connecting with her since she didn’t come from my egg but that all changed the moment she was born. There is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for her and hearing her say “mama” for the first time just melted by heart. I frequently hear how much she looks like me and I smile. She also loves a lot of the same things I did as a kid.
Find a doctor/clinic you trust
We started at one clinic and ultimately decided to make a change. I wanted a doctor that was willing to think outside of the box. The standard protocol didn’t work for me and I had to advocate for myself. If you feel like something isn’t right, trust your gut.
Your intuition is powerful, and finding a medical team that listens and collaborates with you is essential. Remember, this is your journey, and you deserve to feel confident and supported every step of the way.
It’s a rollercoaster
There were so many highs and lows throughout our journey. It was the hardest thing we have ever done. It was all worth it in the end, but at times, it was very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You have to take care of yourself mentally and physically.
Self-care isn’t just a luxury; it’s a necessity. Lean on your support system, seek out therapy or counseling if you need it, and give yourself grace. In the end, the struggle was worth it, but it’s important to acknowledge just how tough the journey can be. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed; just remember that you don’t have to go through it alone.
Hopeful Mama has multiple resources that can help get you connected. Check out their Support Groups Here or their Professional Resource Directory Here.
I am grateful
This process is the hardest thing I have ever done, but without it I wouldn’t have my daughter. I am grateful for the opportunity to go through this process and even more grateful it was successful for us.
Written by Jamie LaCorte for the Hopeful Mama Foundation. We are incredibly grateful to all of our writers, who open up their heart and share their journey with this community. If you would like to connect with one of our writers, please let us know by submitting an email on our website’s contact page.